I wonder...

If the world stopped turning today, I wonder...would all of it really matter in the end? All the things I've been so wrapped up in, all the unanswered questions and enless drama. Would it amount to a hill of beans should today be the last? But what DOES matter then? If we aren't to hold on to things, to try to make sense of them...what is left?

My view of life has been totally ripped apart and put back together. Its now a patchwork quilt of sorts, sewn back together with the threads of my life. Nothing pretty, mind you, but one piece again nevertheless. When I look at it, messy and imperfect as it is...it still holds the same value to me...maybe even more because I remember each and every rip and tear and worked so hard to stitch it back up. But again...where does it all fit in? The questions, the whys...did they fall out as useless threads before the rest was being put back together? Its still one piece, all back together. So did those things really ever matter? And if they didn't, why did I waste so much energy holding on to them? Wasted. Lost time. Can't get it back. But does that matter either?

why....

Why...the one question that always goes unanswered is the one that is always in desperate need of being answered...so many times in my life, if I had just had someone tell me WHY...so many things would be different.

Not something simple, like why is the sky blue, or why do the seasons change...something more substantial. For instance, why do things seem to be going in one direction, while in fact they are steamrolling in an entirely different direction, unbeknownst to you? Or why is you finally learn to relax in a situation, kicking back on the beach enjoying the sun, finally closing your eyes and taking a deep breath to just enjoy the moment...and then a tsunami wipes your world away???

I've been told time and time again that its not my place to wonder why. Well, I don't accept that. When all else fades away, we are still left with the nagging question, "why?" If there was never a why, there would never be any lessons learned from life. But if you never get an answer...you are stuck forever with "why".

Thirteen Reasons Why by Jay Asher

I just finished this on audio today. Totally in shock. I WAS HANNAH BAKER. Well, not really, but I SWEAR that could be me telling those stories. That could be ME talking about how hopeless life felt. I felt the SAME WAY in high school, because of other people, and their actions (or non-actions, as it were). High School was a HORRIBLE experience for me. HORRIBLE. Not saying I didn't have friends. Not saying I didn't have fun most of the time. Just saying that the actions of a dozen or so, have had a PROFOUND effect on my life, thank THE LORD I still have one. I was where Hannah was...ready to give up...for many of the same reasons as her, and many others, some of which are nearly unspeakable to this very day. All I can think is wow...just wow...

In the beginning...

So I'm going to give this whole blogging bit a try. Figure, if nothing else, its good therapy just to get the words out of the way. Its been far too long of holding things in not to take the initiave and let go!

Soooo....here it is....

Life has turned crazy...again. Sometimes I feel like I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't. Guess that's just fate.